It is OK to Cry

Organic, not organic, fruit supplement in pill form, safe, full of pesticides?What can I eat?...I can only buy what I can afford.

I can scream I HATE YOU CANCER.

I can pull my hair out. I can continue crying all day. I can take it out on my kids and my ever patient Paul.

But I won’t.

Conflicting people’s advice, different information from literature and internet crowd my brain. I have a big headache. I also have stomach cramps for four days.

Do I get only organic? Do I purchase all these pill supplements. Hey there’s one to replace apples or green teas, garlic, and fish oil. Soy is good. Soy is not good…

I feel so confused but I won’t cry all day.

It is OK to cry some as I exchange words with my aunt (and fellow cancer patient) on the other end of the line while I wait for my MRI this morning.

I did that already.

Never mind the wide-eyed strangers on me. I think they had their eyes on me. For me, they are just shoes, on the brown floor, some dirty, some old, some with mismatched socks…

It is OK not to be organized for a while. Precious Paul had to help me get some bills straightened out today.

So what? I could not deal with them. Later, I’ll get myself together.

It is OK to be partially functional. It is OK to express emotions. It is OK to cry. Paul and friends say it is OK.

But today, I decide to stop feeling miserable day by day. Tonight, I start by eating right, getting a little exercise done, walking fast, picking up mini chores around the house…

I will religiously take multivitamins, green teas, fresh veggies, fruits, whole grains, maybe vitamin D and fish oil too. Oh milk, I gotta drink more milk and maybe soy. Well, as soon as this four-day-stress?-cramps come to the end.

Till next time.

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